


Hold me

by Collapse



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Homophobia, M/M, Underage Substance Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-16 14:03:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18692998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Collapse/pseuds/Collapse
Summary: There was a place that Seungmin felt free, where the flowers bloomed all year but the autumn leaves fell forever.Inspired by weezer's 'hold me'





	1. People are shit

School was the same as it had always been. Filled with pretentious two faced people that were all trying to get their way. School is literally the worst part of everyone's life no matter what people will try to tell you. A congregation of angsty teenagers, all shoved into rooms and corridors like pigs in a slaughter house, there's nothing pleasant about it. Seungmin didn't have many feelings towards school despite his disgust for the people in it, including himself. He simply attended, studied and patiently waited for everyday to end.

That morning was chilly, the autumn leaves swept in small tornados of wind outside the classroom window.   
"Hey.” a voice broke his daydream. Seungmin turned his head to the side where he met a familiar face.   
"Hey.” he replied back.   
Jeongin was someone who he saw most times. He would sit in the exact same spot everyday, right in front of him. The boy was polite and simple, which Seungmin liked. He could almost call him a friend. Despite his attractiveness, Jeongin was relatively shy. He didn't have many friends, which was the main reason he assumed the younger boy stuck around him. But it didn't phase him, he was just happy to have some company through the loneliness of the day.

Days went past, slow then fast, both at once then not at all. The only thing he found himself waking up for anymore was to see Jeongin's smiling face where his cheeks would squish his eyes shut. Seeing the younger made him feel like there were fireworks in his veins that would travel up his spine and inhibit his motor functions. He'd never experienced that spark in his life and it was as addictive as a match to a cigarette. Sometimes they'd even spend time together after school, studying, getting a milkshake or doing stupid teenage things like drinking. (A lot of drinking). You know, like real friends. The drinking helped Jeongin to come out of his shell. He would act innocent but make subtle sassy remarks or just be playful all together. Their dynamic was strange to say the least, they would play fight like a fox and a hound. Seungmin would bully the younger, pulling his ears and clinging to him. Jeongin would just push him away and call him ugly, pretending that he didn't enjoy it. They'd go strange places way too late in the night, where there were no more stupid people, doing their stupid people things. They'd down 6 shots straight and go back to school 4 hours later. They were dumb and Seungmin loved it. The instability that he felt with Jeongin was the most fun he'd ever had, and for once he felt like he had a real friend.

But there was one night that Seungmin couldn't forget. They were sitting in some dimly lit alley way, drinking what was left of some cheap red wine. The sounds of stray cats fighting, the dripping of strange liquids onto the pavement and the screech of tires was all drowned out by the bottle in his hand. The alcohol burned his face red and made his chest feel warm. It was a strange feeling, having no idea where the hell you were or where you were even going but at the same time you felt like there was no better place to be. Jeongin struggled to chug the last few sips, coughing at the strong taste. Seungmin rubbed his back and hugged his shoulder to help sooth the poor boy's throat. Jeongin placed the bottle on the black concrete and leaned his head on the older's shoulder.   
"What do you think of us?" He suddenly whispered into the silence of the street. Seungmin hummed.   
"What do you mean?"   
Jeongin didn't say anything for a long time.  
"I don't know..."  
...  
"I'm happy with you.” Seungmin found himself saying. He felt Jeongin's cheeks spread into a smile on his shoulder.   
"Gross." He lied with a mouthful of teeth.

Wednesday was miserably cloudy and the stampedes of short children was unrelenting to his hangover as usual. He moved through the crowded hallways to his class like a car stuck in heavy traffic. In the distance he noticed a tall, lean figure with a mushroom of dark hair on his head, which he deemed to be Jeongin. He took a few more steps forward, ready to approach him, a smile stretched across his face. However, as spaces appeared in between the people in the busy corridor, Seungmin noticed that there was someone else standing with his friend. Someone with a half decent bleaching job, that looked more brassy yellow than blonde. Black tattoos graffitied his neck and Seungmin supposed they were to look menacing but rather they looked as if a child had drawn all over him with a sharpie. Instead of interrupting their conversation, he decided to turn off early into his classroom. He sat down at his desk with a collapse of his breath and waited for the younger man to enter. He tapped his fingers one by one on the hard wooden table patiently. Five minutes passed and the last of the students that had bothered to show up, scurried to their seats. The annoying high pitched bell had rung to begin the class however, Jeongin still hadn't entered. Seungmin furrowed his eyebrows wondering what the hell was so important that he had to be late to class to hear it. Eventually Jeongin made his way into the room where he was immediately scolded.   
"Yang Jeongin, you're late." The teacher said in a passive aggressive tone. Jeongin used his impeccable record to his advantage, flashing his pearly whites and figuratively batting his eyelashes.  
"I'm sorry.” was all he said.   
"Just don't let it happen again.” and with that he sat down.   
Seungmin didn't get a chance to ask Jeongin about the rebellious looking guy for the rest of the day.

Once school had finally ended, Seungmin whipped out his phone to text his friend.

-

3:47pm  
Want to walk home with me?

3:50pm   
Sorry I'm busy this afternoon.

-

Seungmin couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at the response but he didn't want to nag or act like he cared about Jeongin's business all that much.

-

3:52pm  
Who was that blonde guy you were talking to?

3:52pm   
He's just a friend of mine.

-

If Seungmin could raise his eyebrows any higher, he would've. So, Jeongin finally had friends. He felt happy for him but at the same time he felt sorry for himself. He wondered if maybe he should get some friends of his own. After all Jeongin was never his friend to begin with, he was just some guy that wouldn't leave him alone... No matter how much he berated himself on the thought of socialising, the same consensus always came back to him. People are shit.

The next day there were more of them, surrounding Jeongin like hyenas. All had flashy chains and strange haircuts. Although you didn't need to have eyes to work out that they were a bunch of idiots. His eyebrows raised higher and higher the more he saw Jeongin around them, soon his nosiness was ripping his brows from his skin and into the back of his head.

The weeks ran their course and he began seeing less of his singular friend. He would find himself zoning out, staring at the empty chair in front of him every day. Even when Jeongin did show up to class, he was always late and they never even talked. He wondered if his new friends had told the younger to avoid him or if it was Jeongin's decision. After all he was just a looser with no friends right? Every time he'd see the dark haired boy he couldn't help but resent him a little more. How could he just ditch him like that? But at the same time, he knew he was just trying to lie to himself. If there was one person in the world who he could never hate, it was Jeongin.

Sometimes he'd find nonsensical texts sent by the younger at ridiculous hours that ranged from 'OMG I miss you sojmuch I luv youuuU' to 'I alvays hated iou'. Either way it was all just baseless bullshit that made Seungmin feel worse about himself. He had to admit that he worried. The stress wore him to the bone and fed him to the hounds of insomnia. But of course, Jeongin must have know his own friends were bad for him, and Seungmin knew he himself wasn't any better of an influence. But it wasn't his place to make any comments, so he didn't. He kept his head down and his mouth shut. Even when his phone would throw a seizure from Jeongin drunkenly spamming him. Even when his finger hovered over his phone screen and shook from the unbearable itching he felt from wanting to reply so bad. He felt like the younger was screaming in his face for help. But he just couldn't.

Friday morning, it was raining heavily. Seungmin was early as he always was now. He hadn't slept. In fact he found himself not bothering to try and sleep anymore, instead he let the fatigue eventually drop him out of consciousness. So no, he hadn't been home that night, he'd been wondering through the darkness watching the stars twinkle with only a bottle of soju to comfort him. He stared at the empty chair in front of him like he always did, waiting for something that he knew would never come.   
"Hey ugly.”  
He swung his head around so fast he felt dizzy.   
He looked up at the dark haired figure, but he was different from what he remembered. His hair was thinner and untamed. His nails were long and damaged, bruises and cuts lined his hands and the insides of his arms.   
"You're late.” Seungmin said without an expression on his face.   
"Class hasn't even started yet.”  
Seungmin didn't reply and looked down at his phone.   
"You probably shouldn't be talking to me.”   
"Do you not want me to talk to you?"  
"No, but your friends wouldn't want you to.”   
He scratched his temple but didn't deny it.   
"I just wanted to see you..." he said small.   
"Why?"   
There was a long pause that followed this.   
"I don't know..."  
 Seungmin scoffed.  
"You never do know."   
Before Seungmin could say anything else, the younger man had left. He felt pathetic because he wanted to cry. He couldn't even remember the last time he'd felt like this, somewhere between frustrated and complete destruction. He hated the power that the younger didn't even realise he had. He felt sorry for himself because of how pathetic he was, he couldn't even keep himself from pushing Jeongin further away. He was selfish. And what hit even harder was knowing that the boy was probably crying out for help. But Seungmin didn't even recognise him anymore, he was someone else completely.

At the end of the day all he felt was unbelievably tired, how was he still even alive? Of course he didn't have an umbrella and the rain poured down like it was spitting 'fuck you' right in his face. He gathered his maths papers from his hand and dug them under his clothes to protect his assignment that he'd spent was too many hours on. Just as he was about to brace himself for the downpour, he heard his name.   
"Seungmin!" He didn't recognise the voice at all. He turned around and squinted to see the face of perpetrator who had interrupted his train of thought. He noticed that there seemed to be a group marching towards him. God damn it, he cursed out loud. Were all his efforts to avoid drawing attention to himself for nothing? He was not prepared to get bullied and he debated whether he should just risk running and slipping over, rather than staying to see what they wanted. He decided that they'd probably chase him anyway so he stood his ground, pulling his assignment back out from under his shirt. They walked up slowly in a cloud of gray smoke. He recognised one of them to be the guy with the badly bleached hair and the sharpie neck. He fiddled with the cigarette between his damaged teeth like it was an accessory, before pulling it from his mouth and spitting on the ground right in front of Seungmin's shoe.   
"Are you Seungmin?" He stared him down and questioned.   
"No." Seungmin replied. The guy smiled with his disgusting stained teeth and looked back at his friends to chuckle.   
"I know exactly who you are kid. You're a faggot.”   
Seungmin didn't say anything. What the hell! He had never even talked to this guy before, how did he know his name?  
"Weren't you picking on our little buddy this morning, Huh?" He spat.   
Seungmin pushed his eyebrows together in confusion.   
"Who?"   
The guy laughed again. He stepped closer and wrapped his arm around Seungmin's shoulder, shaking him.   
"Oh c'mon you have the be kidding! The guy you're so desperate to dick down that you get yourself off every night just thinking about him." He snorted at his own words like they were the funniest thing he'd ever heard. The group followed in a mixture of strange sounds that were supposed to be laughs.   
"What the fuck are you talking about?" He piped up.   
The guy stopped laughing.   
"Oh, he's got some bite does he?" He smiled at his friends. Suddenly Seungmin felt his maths assignment being ripped from his hands. He stood still, knowing he couldn't do anything to stop him. The dude starred down at the bundle of papers in his hands, obviously having no idea what any of it meant. He looked straight at Seungmin as he ripped them in half. Seungmin didn't look away from his eyes, cold and dead like a body. The group ruptured into vibrations as they cackled. He just stood there blankly.   
"If you so much as look at Jeongin again I'll tear you in half."   
That was the last thing said before the ground left him. He looked down at what he'd worked countless hours on that was now nothing but some wet trash on the concrete. People really are shit.


	2. Golden

That night Seungmin did what always did, drink. There was only one place that Seungmin felt happy anymore and the saddest part was that it wasn't even real. He longed for everything to stop moving, just for a little while. As the alcohol took a hold of him, his mind become fuzzy. His eyes grew heavy and then everything was clear again. His drunken dreams were of endless fields of green grass, where the air was crisp and the autumn forever. He could make and bend anything he wanted at will, he could finally feel stability. He'd wonder through forests and lakes until his alarm would wake him up again, everyday at exactly 6:50am. Blaring the only sound telling him if he was dead or not anymore.

Monday morning maths wrecked his brain beyond belief and what was worse? Everything he'd been working on for he past month was gone. The killer hangover that he should've been used to by now, was absolutely not helping him whatsoever. He felt sick. His legs had carried him to class but his brain was asleep the entire time. There was no purpose for anything anymore. His head was so completely disorganised that it took him a whole 5 minutes to even register his phone's vibration. He stared down at the screen, the light stung his damaged eyes.

-

New Message

Fox

9:30am  
Meet me in the bathroom

-

Seungmin blinked slowly and thought long and hard about what he should do. Maybe he would just find himself back in the clutches of those hooligans. But he knew he had to go, just to see. He would regret it for the rest of his life if he didn't. He raised his hand.  
"Can I use the bathroom?"  
The teacher scoffed and rolled her eyes.  
"Hurry up.”

The bathroom was cold and empty, like it always was. Everyone was scared to use it because there were rumour that a kid had killed themselves in there, and haunted anyone who entered. But it wasn't like Seungmin had a soul left to haunt anyway. He took a breath in through his nostrils to calm his anxious heart, but instead he scoffed at the foul stench that invaded his senses. Jeongin must have recognised him by his unenthusiastic aura because he swiftly exited one of the stalls. His height had finally caught up to the older. That was the only thing that had changed apart from the bags under his eyes looking sadder and the darker bruises that covered his arms like purple chicken pox.  
"Hey.”  
"Hey.”  
...  
"What do you want?” Seungmin didn't have the barincells left to beat around the bush so he was blatant.   
Jeongin sighed.  
"I need to ask you a favour because I have no one else."  
Seungmin choked. A favour?  
"I don't have any money Jeongin."  
The younger dug his nails into his arm making his flesh turn pale.  
"Please.” he coughed up.  
"You really think you can come back to me after leaving me to rot in loneliness and then just expect me to feed your drug habits?" Seungmin let out a fake laugh.  
"I thought we were friends.” Jeongin tried to say but it came out pathetic and broken. The older boy's head rolled and he felt like he wanted to vomit at the words that had left Jeongin's mouth. He bashed his fist into the cold, hard, unforgiving wall.  
"I thought so too!" he screamed. Tears ripped down his face and he finally let himself break. His legs collapsed under him and he held his heavy head in his hands. Jeongin was everything to him and without him his life was nothing. The dark haired boy bent down next to him slowly. He reach his shaky arms around him and held him tight for the first time in a long time. Seungmin felt him so close that their hot breath mixed.  
"I'm sorry.” he sobbed, pushing his lips into Seungmin's.  
A minute later and Seungmin looked up to find Jeongin gone once again. He wondered if the sleep deprivation had made him go crazy and he hallucinated the entire thing. He looked at his bloodied knuckles and wished that the ghost would just hurry up and kill him.

That night Seungmin drank. He drank all that his body would let him, until he found himself drifting into the place where he could be free once again. The birds tweeted to greet him, the grass always long. Autumn leaves fell slowly from the tall trees that towered over the sky like little spiders hanging from silk webs. He walked for miles until he came across a field of yellow. He walked closer and noticed that they were sunflowers, so proudly and healthily standing in the sun like soldiers. Suddenly he felt a familiar presence.  
"Hey.” he heard his friend say. He didn't have the energy to question what his dream was forcing him to see, so he reached over to hold Jeongin's hand tightly. He looked up at those same thin and sharp eyes, but they were full of life once again unlike those that he had seen just earlier that day. Jeongin was the first to speak up.  
"Why are you here?" He asked.   
Seungmin couldn't be more confused at this question. This was his place, the place his subconscious had created as an escape from reality.  
"Why are you here?” He asked back.  
"I don't know.”  
Seungmin smiled because god, that boy never knew any answers.  
"One minute I was with everyone and the next I was here.”  
Seungmin decided then and there that he would probably never see Jeongin again in the real world, so he let himself love and be loved.  
"Come on ugly.” he smiled at the younger and pulled him into the fields which glowed golden in the sunlight. It was just like old times where they'd act stupid and fall all over each other laughing without a care in the world.   
But nothing gold can stay and the autumn winds were suddenly creeping into gusts of air that could rip a tree from its roots. They felt the coldness grip them.

The world was starting to fade and they both knew their time together would end soon. Seungmin held Jeongin's hand tighter, his knuckles white.  
"Jeongin I don't want to go.” He said softly.  
"Then don't. I never want to leave you again.”  
"But you will.”  
The wind brushed through their hair violently and the older wrapped his arms around Jeongin. He felt tired, too tired to let himself feed reality again.  
"You need to wake up but I think I'm going to stay here a while longer.”   
Seungmin had decided that there was nothing to go back to anymore.  
"No please.” Jeongin begged, not letting go of his hand.  
"Goodbye."

Jeongin awoke to a bright light suffocating him of sight. A soft beep and the scent of anti bacterial alcohol, overwhelmed his senses. He opened his eyes to a hospital bed. There was a needle poking into him that stung. His arm was littered with bruises and his veins had become dark and thick, where he had abused them with substances. He wasn't surprised to notice no one around. He was alone once again. Seungmin was the only friend he had ever truly had.

Eventually Jeongin decided to get his shit together but he never saw Seungmin again. Sometimes he would hear students from his old school gossip about boy who had killed himself with alcohol poisoning like it was just the usual. Every time he'd hold his heart that grew heavy in his ribs. People really will always be shit. It was only sometimes in his dreams that he would see Seungmin again, being sure to call him ugly every single time and hold him as tightly as he could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So basically in the end Both are under the influence and somehow meet in that little safe haven. It's symbolism for both being unhappy with their lives and creating fictional realities to cope.
> 
> Uhm lol ok I'm sorry this sucks. I tried to make it interesting but I think sometimes I mix up past and present or make it difficult to understand who's talking. Pls give me some feedback if you've got the time. Thanks for reading!
> 
> btw i had to re-upload because it up.


End file.
